Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Internet Dubsteps On Jessi Slaughter

You ain't internet famous until you're dubstep REEEEEEEMIX internet famous.

Someone call the cyber police! *woop woop*

WTF? In case you missed it, Jessi Slaughter is an eleven-year-old girl whose webcam broadcasts apparently delight untold numbers of her fellow scene tweens. Her profile led to rumours of a romantic relationship between her and (the much older) Dahvie Vanity (LULZ, pic below), lead singer of emo band Blood on the Dance Floor being posted on scene tween gossip site Stickydrama. (Do you feel old yet?)

Well, I don't need to explain that on the internet haters gonna hate, and hate they did, trolling Jessi as she webcammed away from her bedroom. Jessi did not appreciate said trolls messing on her 'tubez so she made the incredibly unfortunate move of posting this video response:

Yes, it's obnoxious but it also makes me thank Raptor Jesus in Heaven that webcams were invented after I reached puberty. The internet was not so kind in its assessment (SURPRISE!) and the (admittedly humorous) sweary sass-a-thon found its way to the deepest, darkest, meanest corner of the internet: the 4chan /b/ board. 4chan decided to teach the angry diva a lesson and proceeded to track down her real name (no, Slaughter isn't on her birth certificate), address, telephone number and pages on various social networks, which they spammed into oblivion. They also ordered numerous pizzas to her house and prank called her, impersonating the police and child services.

So where the hell are this kid's parents, right? She's 11 years old, do they know what kind of material she's publishing online? Someone must be monitoring wh- oh, wait - there they are:

And so the local cyber police force arrived on their bacon-flavoured narwhal-copters, 4chan ended up with life @hotjail.com and consequences were never the same again, ever after. Then the Slaughter family woke up and realised the last sentence had all been a wonderful dream and in fact the video of Mr Slaughter's slightly irate suggestions turned out to be the most LOL-worthy of them all and sealed Jessi's unfortunate fate as viral video victim du jour. (It's not all bad, look at Star Wars Kid, he went and got a law degree once they de-institutionalised him!)

Millions of views later and Jessi's family has been put under police protection after alleged death threats, Jessi has been ordered by a court not to access the internet, Gawker - a website that criticised 4chan for picking on the kid - has also been raided by 4chan (it's still loading very slowly at the time of posting) and 4chan appears to have seeded an internet rumour that Jessi has killed herself.


You know I love you internet, and yes her parents were negligent, but I think you took this one too far. And that comes from a place of love, remember that.

Please, please don't hurt me.

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