Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Resume


Thanks Lil BrenDog for sending me through this, apparently legitimate, resume which was received by a recruitment company.

Names have been removed to protect the privacy of all involved and I didn't receive the photos, but I don't think it needs them to be honest...


RESUME 

XXXXX XXXXXX 

00 XXXXXXX St

NXXXh FXXXXXy 

04XX XXX XXX 

XXXXXXXXX@gmail.com 
 

 

INTERESTS

  • Eating fish and chips in the car at night in the rain
  • Room temperature
  • Pushing buttons with really smooth push button action
  • Psycho analyzing Michael Jackson
  • Imagining my hair is replaced with my cats tabby hair (Its just a fantasy, I wouldn’t actually work like this)
  • Comparing data with completely irrelevant other data
  • Collecting Qbert Atari Video games
  • Getting a little bit wet in the rain then quickly running inside
  • Reading The Age in public and the Herald Sun in private
  • The enjoyment of being taller than my father
  • Lying to my pet, telling it I will be back in one hour when really I intend to be five hours
  • Discreetly sniffing other peoples hair on crowded trams
  • Bush walking

 

GIFT REGISTRY  (OPTIONAL)

 

-  Doll House X 1:                                                                                    

www.ebay.com.au/ (please search for vintage doll houses PRE 1960)

 

 

- Christmas Hamper of pamper hampering merchandise X 1:                               

www.hampers.com.au

- $49.99 Gift Voucher from The Commonwealth Bank X 1:                                  

www.commbank.com.au/

- Standard Poodle X 2:                                                                              

www.tradingpost.com.au 

- Dog Duffle Coat (to fit Standard Poodle) X 2:                                         

www.ozdoggy.com.au/

- Toy sail Boat X 1                                                                           

www.ebay.com.au/

-Animal tranquilizer gun X 1:                                                                    

www.ozdoggy.com.au/

 

- Yearly Subscription Herald Sun X 1

(each edition delivered to me covered with incognito Harry Potter Book jacket)                                    

www.christmas.magshop.com.au

 

- John Paul Sartre “Being and Nothingness” with incognito Harry Potter book jacked X 1                       

www.amazon.com.au

 (terms and conditions: all gifts delivered to me at my above address with receipt and gift wrapped; please let  me know the choice of present you have purchased for me by email in case of double up).

REFERENCES:

(PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE PROVING I HAVE BEEN OFFERED JOBS ON OTHER OCCASIONS)

IDENTITIES CONCEALED IN ACCORDANCE WITH PRIVACY LAWS)

Me shaking hands with an HR consultant from the Job Agency, Hallis, for a data entry position I had just received at Kleffmann and Associates. Notice my handshake (on the right) is calm, knowledgeable, has attention to detail, and is extremely reliable with a nice protruding cuff.

 

Another job offer I received. Notice how assured my new boss’ hand is in passing me the reins – his hand pretty much says “I would trust you with my wife on a Ferris wheel whilst you were both eating ice creams” (my hand on the right). My new bosses protruding veins shows his heart is pumping more blood than usual – a sure physiological indication of excitement that he is employing me.

 

Me being “let go” by the Star Wars Dept Manager at Myer after the Star Wars Hoopla wore off. Notice the stern assuredness in my handshake (on the right) with only the slightest hint of surprise. This is my gracious, vulnerable yet professional handshake.  A lot can be said in a handshake like my Daddy told me.

Much Obligings,

XXXXX XXXXXX

(please feel free to take my signature to a hand writing analyst and my italicized bold and sometimes underlined Times New Roman font to a font analyst  for further personality assessment) D.H.

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